Leaders are leaders not because of their position or title, but because they can influence others. I am a Pastor and as such, have a position of leadership, but the results are what prove or disprove that I am truly a leader not my title. Real leaders choose to work at influencing others to grow, to change, to attempt big things, to seek God, and to become leaders themselves. Good leaders are always seeking wisdom from those who have demonstrated by their life and words that they are effective leaders. I am usually reading a book on leadership, listening to Podcasts and watching videos, and spending time with good leaders, as I attempt to become a more effective influencer of people for good.

No one is a true leader for God unless He gives them that position and blesses them. He chooses His leaders and gives them the opportunity to change people and the world. The good news is that God doesn’t require a great past, He doesn’t expect perfection, but He does expect that His leader is growing, changing, pursuing God, and wanting, really wanting to make a difference and change things for the better.

One aspect of leadership influence is the distance, the extent of, and how permanent the change caused by the leader is. If you stand on a bridge and drop a little bitty pebble into the water, the ripples caused are small and don’t go very far. If you drop a boulder it will create big waves that travel far. My desire is to be an effective leader whose influence extent is very far and long.

I teach leadership principles in our church, and a key part of the content that I teach is that there are obvious practices and disciplines that increase the power and extent of a leader’s influence. I know what they are, but I need to be careful that I faithfully practice them.

One of the most important disciplines is that I put my heart and soul into trying to influence people to do what God wants them to do. When the goal, the object, the direction of my influence is God’s will, I become His servant and experience Him working through me.

I know it is God’s will that every follower of Jesus read and memorize His Word often and faithfully, daily is best. I know a bunch of other things that are God’s will for every believer and I teach, remind, remind a lot, hold accountable, and influence in every way possible to get them to be faithfully obedient to what is God’s will for their lives.

Some things come up, many things in fact during these current events, that I feel inclined to get involved in but am cautious about. My cautiousness is not from fear of being criticized, or apathy, my cautiousness is based on this personal motto, ”What God wants me to change, fix, and influence others to do, I can’t fail at, but if it isn’t His will, I can’t succeed.”

A short phrase in the Bible that is amazingly deep with meaning is the phrase, ”God said.” What was the reason for God speaking? There are many; He created something from nothing by speaking it into existence.

Psalms 33:6 By the word of the Lord, the heavens were made, and by the breath of His mouth all their host.

The Trinity, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit have always communicated with such truth, intimacy, and depth that they are like one in unity and essence.

God has often spoken to people. Exodus 33:11 ”Thus the Lord used to speak to Moses’ face to face, just as a man speaks to his friend.”

Many people know John 3:16, ”God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son,” but many forget that Jesus spoke those words to a man named Nicodemus.

The Bible is called ”The Word of God” and is said to be ”living and active and sharp as a two-edged sword.”

We having been created in the image of God have great power in the words that we speak, and with that power comes the responsibility to control them.

Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Ephesians 4:29 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.

The words that I speak can create unity and oneness with other people and communicate love to them, or they can cause great division, strife, bitterness, and hate. With my words, I can solve problems or cause them. I have the responsibility with such power to exercise great self-control over what I choose to say.

James 3:8-12 The tongue is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way. Does a fountain send out from the same opening both fresh and bitter water? Can a fig tree, my brethren, produce olives, or a vine produce figs? Nor can salt water produce fresh.

Amid this growing anxiety, unrest, anger, and frustration, that is rising rapidly; I have strong opinions about what is right and what is wrong. As I read the news, Facebook, and listen to YouTube commentaries, I can feel myself getting caught up in the anger that is swirling around me like a great storm.

So what do I do, and what do I say? I know from reading and listening to others who have voiced opinions and concerns that it doesn’t matter what I would say. Some will take substantial issues with it. One of the biggest problems is that it is so easy for people to say things that aren’t true and to circulate things that aren’t true. An example is a post going around by Trey Gowdy which is fraudulent. It is easy to check those out to see if they are true or not. It seems safer to remain an autonomous observer and go fishing. But by virtue of my position as a Pastor, I am a leader, so I need to do that, but with wisdom and cautiousness.

The cool thing about writing is I can reread it several times, pray about it, set it aside for a day and read it again, and hopefully up the odds that something wise comes out of it. Many who write on social media don’t take those same precautions.

(This is a repeat of a blog I wrote a month ago with a few changes. These guidelines seem more necessary now than when I wrote them.)

During these times, I am following these principles.

1. Everything I do and say needs to be a good advertisement for God. I am an ambassador for Jesus. A question I ask myself daily is, ”If I were a skeptical unbeliever, would I be drawn to faith in Christ by someone who was acting and talking the way I am?”

2. Part of my responsibility here is to be aware of the opinions and values of those around me, which changes all through the day as I move from situation to situation. Practicing deference is a significant discipline for those who want to influence other people positively. Deference as I define it is, ”Limiting my rights and freedom so as not to offend those who I want to convince to follow and love Jesus the way I do.

1 Corinthians 9:19-23 For though I am free from all men, I have made myself a slave to all, so that I may win more. To the Jews I became as a Jew, so that I might win Jews; to those who are under the Law, as under the Law though not being myself under the Law, so that I might win those who are under the Law; to those who are without law, as without law, though not being without the law of God but under the law of Christ, so that I might win those who are without law. To the weak I became weak, that I might win the weak; I have become all things to all men, so that I may by all means save some. I do all things for the sake of the gospel, so that I may become a fellow partaker of it.

3. I will forgive anybody of anything quickly, no matter how rude or obnoxious they might be in expressing their views, opinions, or criticisms toward me or others around me that are family or friends. I will not answer rudeness with rudeness, a critical statement with defensiveness or an insult with an insult. I will respond with grace, humor if possible, I will give a blessing from God, and I will offer to pray for them if appropriate.

1 Peter 3:8-9 To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.

4. I will accept, be patient with, and love those who are different than I am in their views, values, beliefs, and opinions. I will not argue or debate with them about where they are. I will ask questions and honor them by listening attentively as they give expression to their views. I will answer questions they may ask with no arrogance or superiority because of my freedom. During the days of the New Testament there was a massive division in the church over whether it was alright to eat meat offered to idols and Paul gives this advice;

Romans 14:1-4 Now accept the one who is weak in faith, but not for the purpose of passing judgment on his opinions. One person has faith that he may eat all things, but he who is weak eats vegetables only. The one who eats is not to regard with contempt the one who does not eat, and the one who does not eat is not to judge the one who eats, for God has accepted him. Who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls; and he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.

I ran my chain saw for 4 hours today cutting firewood and loaded it into a trailer. I now have a big pile of “rounds” in my driveway waiting to be split and stacked. When I got the wood unloaded and the pick up and trailer parked it was 3 pm. I ate 2 cheese sandwiches that patty fixed for me and then I sat down in my chair to rest a minute and fell dead asleep. I woke up about 30 minutes later and was so stiff I could hardly move so I sat in my hot tub for 15 minutes and went to bed. I got up at 7 pm, rode my stationary bike, ate dinner, am now writing this blog, will read my Bible and pray, and then back to bed for hopefully 8 good hours of sleep. The worst thing about getting older is not being able to do what I used to be able to do, not that long ago. My name is “Dee”, but I have been thinking about changing it to “EEE” for empty, as in my gas tank!

I am always bugging guys to pray with their wives. In the half dozen men’s accountability groups that I am in that is one of the things that all of the guys who are married report on. As much as I push it I have to admit that much of the praying that Patty and I do together she initiates. She didn’t in the old days when we were just getting started in the discipline because she wanted me to be the spiritual leader, but now that it is a normal part of our married life she regularly will say, “Let’s pray for_______”, and we pray for them right then. Patty has such a high level of compassion for people that she is always carrying a load of concern for various individuals who are going through trials or are facing a challenge. Our first priority is our kids, their spouses and our grand kids. Then extended family like my sister and others who may be struggling with life. We are praying a lot now for people in our church that we hear about having a health issue, marriage problems, kid problems, job or money struggles during these times.

Occasionally we will pray for our own problems, but not very often, we mostly just intercede for others. As I think about our marriage I would describe our relationship as a relaxed unity. Our unity isn’t something that we are really aware of, or are struggling to maintain, it is just sort of there in a nice comfortable way that brings lots of joy and contentment into both of our lives. The reason for our “oneness of spirit” I believe is our praying together. There is a supernatural bonding that takes place between people who pray together that God makes happen. It is the reason why married couples who regularly pray together have such a low rate of divorce. Couples who pray together stay together. The same is true in churches who have a high level of corporate prayer in their church life, there is great unity and a high level of love for each other, for those in the world and for God.

I nag, nag, nag about the importance of corporate prayer in our church. I am sure there are some who get tired of it, but it is so important and so powerful I won’t quit until every person in our church is involved to some degree.

The most difficult verse in the Bible for me to live successfully is Ephesians 5:25, ”Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” Jesus gave up His life for me so that I could be forgiven of all my sins, and live with Him for all eternity. I am supposed to love my wife in the same way. 1 John 3:16 says pretty much the same thing, “We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren”.

Give myself up for Patty, lay down my life for her, die to self and live for my wife. That sounds great, it even sounds manly, even romantic, but how do I do it, what are the nuts and bolts of a “sacrificed life”.

Rarely is it going to be some big deal, some major sacrifice, instead it is going to be a bunch of little things that add up to a sacrificed life style, that make her feel incredibly loved. Here is one little thing that I am working on.

1. Do the things on her “honey do list” enthusiastically. Usually I don’t want to do the things she wants me to do when she wants me to do it. I always have a whole lot of things on my list not yet done which I would much rather do than her list. Most of the things Patty wants me to do for her seem very unimportant to me in comparison to my own awesome, amazing list of things to do. In the past, one of my common things was to say, “OK, I will do it soon”, but have no intention of doing it soon by her definition of soon, usually forgetting all about it, and needing reminding several times. 1 John 3:18 tells us how to love, “let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.” Because I am doing something for her reluctantly it is easy to act like it saying, “Oh, all right”, making her feel like an imposition in my life.

Give myself up for Patty, lay down my life for her, die to self and live for my wife. So, I say with enthusiasm, I would love to do that for such a wonderful and sexy wife!

When our husband or wife or anybody else for that matter is doing something on a regular basis that bothers us, hurts our feelings, makes us feel bad, or offends us, we can attempt to change their behavior in a way that won’t change anything, and cause conflict, or we can choose to use a method that is very powerful and blessed by God, it is called “making an appeal”. It was used by Daniel when he was a slave as a Hebrew youth to the Babylonians under King Nebuchadnezzar. Jewish people had a very strict dietary code given to them in the Law of Moses, and the Babylonians diet was anything but kosher. Daniel was faced with a dilemma because he was being asked to eat food that was against the Law of Moses which he had lived by all his life. He could have simply said, “I refuse to eat your stinking food”. The result would have been that he was killed and we wouldn’t have a book in the Bible called Daniel. Instead he made an appeal to the one who was in charge of feeding him.

Daniel 1:12-13. Please test your servants for ten days, and let us be given some vegetables to eat and water to drink. Then let our appearance be observed in your presence and the appearance of the youths who are eating the king’s choice food; and deal with your servants according to what you see.”

The result was that Daniel was healthier than the others who were eating the Kings’s choice food, and so he was allowed to continue with his own choice of foods. And more than that, he ended up in a short amount of time being the second most powerful man in the Kingdome. The reason was that God blessed Daniel and all that he did. Others have used this method of resolving conflict and influencing people in the Bible and it always resulted in God’s blessing and successful relationships.

Daniel 1:9. Now God granted Daniel favor and compassion in the sight of the commander of the officials,

A couple of key elements in a well given appeal. First of all, it was gracious and polite. Notice that the first word in Daniel’s appeal is “please”. Second, he didn’t make a demand, he made a suggestion and left the final decision to the commander. Daniel didn’t get angry, threaten, attack the commander’s motive or character, he simply made an appeal. There are certain things that seem to attract the blessing of God, and this seems to be one of them.

Sometimes people will take exception to my statement that a husband or wife ought to get rid of all the expectations that they have for their spouse. My response is, it isn’t the expectations that are the problem, the problem is what we do when our expectations are not met by our wife or husband. Most will get irritated, if not angry, they will nag, remind, instruct, and scold. The next question is, “does my nagging, yelling, pouting, scolding work, are my expectations now going to be met”? And the answer is, no, that method of trying to change our spouse doesn’t work, it only produces conflict. I do have needs and desires that only Patty can meet, there is a way she can act, treat me, talk to me and respond to me that will make me very happy. How do I train her to be a Champion wife, how does she train me to be a Champion husband. Training is a very important word. It is the word we used in raising our kids, we trained them how to act, and talk, and love the Lord. If I was a world class tennis player and Patty had never played before, and I wanted to play competitive tennis with her, what would I do, I would train her how to play. Here are some simple observations about that very important word;

1. I know that it will take some time, probably lots of time before Patty will be able to play well at all.

2. Knowing that it will take lots of time results in me being very patient when she hits the ball over the fence, or into the net, or missing it altogether.

3. I understand that for any of the skills to become permanent it will require lots of repetition and practice.

4. I also understand that clear instructions on what to do and when needs to be repeated over and over again.

5. Good coaches always give instruction graciously, being careful to build the worth and esteem of the one being trained because they know that intimidation and shame do not motivate, and always lowers performance.

6. Good coaches also know that the greatest tool to motivate, energize, and cause growth and change is praise and lots of it.

7. In my training, I am always making sure that my motive is the mutual joy we will experience in playing tennis together, and that Patty knows that, it isn’t about me, it is about us.

Men and women are very different so the coaching that I do is very different from the coaching that she does, meaning that we can coach each other on how to be Champion spouses at the same time. I have a friend that I taught how to “drift fish” for salmon, and he taught me how to fly fish. A good marriage results in rapid growth for both husband and wife, and as they grow they both become better coaches.

If your husband or wife has a character flaw that really bothers you, what do you do about it? How are you going to fix them, change them, make them into the kind of husband or wife that you dream of having. Should you even try? Much marital conflict happens at the point where one or both make concerted efforts to change the behavior of their partner.

Most attempt to change others with confrontation which is usually very emotionally charged. I would use the word, scold to describe what most do in an attempt to change their spouse. The question shouldn’t be , “is it alright to try and change someone’s behavior”? A much better question to ask is, “Is my method of trying to change my husband or wife working”? A good follow up question would be, “Is the reason my method of trying to change my spouse isn’t working their fault or mine”?

Parents are commanded in the Bible to “train” their kids to do the right thing, to serve God, and to love God. The very word “parenting” suggests training. So it seems good that spouses train each other in right living and good habits, pastors do that with the people that are in their church. So, the right question is, “What works?” Good coaches know how to coach and get the best out of their players, good parents know how to raise good kids who succeed in life, so, a good husband or a good wife will know how to positively change the character and the behavior of their spouse consistently.

Good methods are really easy to understand and they really do work.

If we lined up 12 guys who are married, and we attached a microphone to each one, and 12 wives who had never met these guys listened to them for one week and then ranked them from Grand Champion husband down to loser husband, what would be their criteria for the placing? I gave a couple of key principles yesterday based on feedback from Patty on me and from observing a lot of good and bad marriages over the years as a pastor. Here is another key principle that is very important if you want to really make your wife the happiest woman on the planet earth.

3. A good husband is always praising and appreciating everything his wife does for him and never complaining about what she doesn’t do. The motto I use to help remind myself of this principle is, ”Everything is gravy”. What that means is that I need to get rid of all expectations. If I expect Patty to do something then I don’t appreciate it when she does it, because that was what she was supposed to do, and if she doesn’t do it, I fuss because she didn’t fulfill her obligation to me which I had established in my own mind. If I have no expectations, then everything is gravy, and oh boy, do I love gravy! Our expectations are the bars in the prison that we build for our wife. Freedom gives joy and confinement and restrictions take it away. Our goal as a husband is to give our wife joy, not to take it away. Affirm, praise, appreciate, compliment, build-up, value, more and more. If you hire a housekeeper and pay her good money you can have expectations, if you hire a cook, pay them well and expect to eat well, if you hire a prostitute, you get what you pay for. Patty is my wife, my life partner, and a gift from God.