In the Bible God designates the husband as the primary leader in the marriage. That doesn’t mean he gets to decide where the family goes on vacation, or what kind of car they buy. It means that the husband is responsible for a number of things in the marriage and the family, either he makes it happen or it generally doesn’t happen.

The first responsibility of the leader is to maintain a strong unity in the marriage and the family. When a marriage and family are unified, there is joy, great joy. When there is division and conflict, there is chaos, anger, bitterness, and hostility. Leadership exists in any institution for the purpose of unity. You can judge the strength and quality of the leadership in any institution by the level of agreement that exists.

Luke 11:17 Any kingdom divided against itself is laid waste; and a house divided against itself falls.

The devil is the great divider, he is constantly working behind the scenes trying to cause division and strife. He knows that he can destroy marriages, families, churches, and countries by introducing irritants into the relationships and culture.

But good leaders do whatever is necessary to preserve unity, to heal conflict, and to resolve differences. They don’t give up, they don’t blame others, they don’t throw up their hands and let things go on their own. Leaders own the problem, they take the blame, they take initiative, they are not apathetic about their resolve to fix the problems. Husbands that are strong leaders seek counseling early in a conflict with their wife. They are humble enough to know that they often need help as they lead. As a pastor over the years much of the counseling I have done has had two characteristics about it; it was way to late and the wife initiated it.

Matthew 5:9 “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

Romans 12:18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.

Psalms 34:14-15 Depart from evil and do good;
Seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and His ears are open to their cry.

Jesus as a man was not born with character, He grew in character by living life.

Hebrews 2:10 For it was fitting for Him, for whom are all things, and through whom are all things, in bringing many sons to glory, to perfect the author of their salvation through sufferings.

Jesus was “perfected“ through sufferings. To be “perfected” is to be made mature in character. God designed life in His infinite wisdom to be the ultimate character builder.

2 Peter 1:4 For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust.

We have the potential to grow in holiness, righteousness, and character to the point that we have the nature of Jesus.

One of God’s most powerful tools for causing growth in us is marriage.

Ephesians 5:25-29 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,

Jesus is in the process of making the church holy and blameless and that is the responsibility of every husband and every wife, to make each other holy and blameless by our proactive, thought out, and loving influence.

Married couples who understand the purpose of marriage and pursue that purpose have the blessing of God on their efforts and their marriage.

The wise design and plan of God for us can be totally messed up by our poor choices and failure to cooperate with His plan.

Every morning when I get up I pray my “Prayer of Commitment,” and one of the commitments I make is, “Today, Lord, I will love Patty the way You love the church, and I ask You for the wisdom and the strength to influence her so that she becomes like You. I also ask that You will perfect me through her, and that I will be submissive to that influence so that I grow rapidly to be like You.”

Gary Thomas wrote the book “Sacred Marriage” several years ago, and the subtitle is worth the price of the book, ”what if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy.”

I believe that my responsibility as a pastor given to me by God is to teach, preach, counsel, lead, and admonish people in my church so that they become holy, at least they are moving towards being like God in character. Paul declared that to be true of himself in Colossians 1:28-29 “We proclaim Him, admonishing every man and teaching every man with all wisdom, so that we may present every man complete in Christ. For this purpose also I labor, striving according to His power, which mightily works within me.”

So, if that is true of me as a Pastor, and it certainly was true of me as a parent, I believe it is also true of me as a husband. I have the responsibility given to me by God to be an influencer in Patty’s life so that because of me her growth into the image of God is accelerated. It certainly isn’t automatic, I have to work at it, pray about what I do, think, evaluate, and strategize my choices, words, and behavior so that I can have maximum influence in her life.

In the same way Patty is my coach, my pastor, my leader, and because of her influence in my life in a variety of ways my character and holiness level is way beyond what it would have been if It was just up to me.

Some Pastors don’t do a very good job shepherding their flock. Their preaching is boring, they are lazy, they don’t pray for the people in their church, and their example is poor. In the same way, some husbands and wives aren’t very effective in influencing godly life change and growth in their spouses.

A main reason is because they have not realized they are called by God for such a role. The purpose of marriage is to make us holy and righteous, and some do and many don’t. Think about how you can become more effective as a change agent in the life of your spouse, what works, what doesn’t. Because this is God’s purpose for marriage He will give us wisdom as we seek to become the world’s greatest spouse changer.

This last week I wrote about five qualities I was looking for in a potential wife. Those same five qualities are a main goal that I have as I seek to influence Patty in her growth spiritually and in character. I don’t nag, or lecture, or scold, but I do praise, suggest, pray, and model. Any time there is purpose in our living we become much more focused in what we do and say, and our influence increases substantially.

The fifth quality that I had written down was I wanted a wife that had a healthy soul. If I forgot her birthday, it wouldn’t destroy her self-worth, if I went out with a bunch of friends and didn’t get home until 2:00 am she wouldn’t be upset with me, if I didn’t notice her haircut or new dress she wasn’t going to pout and declare that I didn’t love her. I wanted to be married to someone mature and grown-up, not a child who threw a fit whenever she didn’t get her way. I wanted a cheerful, happy wife, not prone to fretting about the future, open to change, willing to try new things, not afraid to try scary things, and wouldn’t know what it means to be embarrassed. That is a lot of words to describe one character trait, but I was sure I would recognize it when I saw it.

I fully intended to love my future wife like Jesus loved the church and make sacrifices to do so. I knew that whoever I married would have basic needs that I would need to meet as her husband. I was committed to loving her, honoring her, and protecting her, but I wanted to do that in an environment of freedom.

I had two friends who were older than me and were married. It seemed to me that they were always in trouble with their wives about something. Their wives weren’t partners or friends; they were jailers, mothers, Kate Brown. I often thought to myself when around them, it would be better not to be married than in the marriage they are in. They walk around on eggshells whenever they are with them.

A story that I have told a thousand times about Patty but I love telling it because it was the key event that cemented in my mind that she was going to be the perfect wife for me, if I could just convince her to marry me. Though I am telling this story last this was the first close encounter I had with Patty and that got everything going.

I was on our College’s basketball team, and because we practiced when everyone else was eating, we ate by ourselves. Patty worked in the cafeteria as part of her financial aid package so she was usually working behind the counter while we were eating. One evening our coach came in while we were eating and excitedly declared that he got us free tickets to the “Far West Classic” at the Memorial Coliseum. This was a major college basketball tournament with some of the best teams in the nation playing, and the seats were mid-court and just up from the court. We all got excited and were talking about the event and the players we would see when Patty loudly declared that she should be able to go with us because, after all, she fed us every night. The coach rolled his eyes and said “Only guys can go.” She borrowed a suit from a guy who was a friend along with a hat, put it on stuffing her hair up into the hat, and showed up at the team bus as we were loading up to go to the first game. Patty was intending it to be a joke and planned that after everybody had a good laugh, she would head off back to the girl’s dorm, but coach talked a couple of guys into grabbing her and hauling her onto the bus with us. So Patty went to the game dressed up in a man’s suit that was way too big for her, tripping over the pant legs as she walked and looking very, very ridiculous. At first I was disgusted with the dumbness of this whole thing, but as I watched her through the evening I thought, “most girls would be dying a thousand deaths right now, but she is actually enjoying herself. At first I thought it was because she was the center of attention, but as the evening wore on, I could see that all the attention she was getting from the guys wasn’t really that important to her, she was just having a good time amid a unique experience.

I thought to myself, “there is one secure, confident, lady. “ It was about a week later when I asked her out on our first date.

Pastor Mike has been preaching on the family and the last couple of weeks his sermons have been on marriage. That is what prompted me to write these last several blogs as a complement to the information taught on weekends. Another reason that I decided to write these even though most have already heard the stories I used, is because 1 Peter 3 teaches that husbands are to honor their wives, so I decided to write something about marriage and to write it in such a way as to honor Patty.

The fourth quality I was looking for was a woman who understood and was comfortable with the roles of husbands and wives as described in the Bible. A vital part of that was that she would be submissive to me as her husband. My definition and mental image of how that would work was almost totally defined by what I had grown up with and witnessed between my Dad and Mom.

Sometime during my Junior year in High School, our church had a visiting missionary, and he spoke on marriage. The only thing that I remember him saying that has stuck in my mind all these years was, “the perfect illustration of a relationship that was based on authority and submission was Jesus Christ and God the Father.” He went on to say, ”Jesus was God, equal with the Father. Jesus was all-powerful, all-wise, but He was submissive to the Father in everything.” The purpose of the authority and submission in the Trinity was to facilitate unity; even in a perfect, sinless relationship authority and submission were required for the sake of unity.

Once we started dating regularly we saw each other and spent time together almost every day, and it wasn’t very long before I recognized that we got along quite well. In our conversations, our walks, and various activities Patty had a natural and gracious way of practicing deference toward me that made me feel like a king, and made her very attractive to me.

I was on the school baseball and basketball team, and in both sports we practiced during the regular dinner time in the cafeteria and ate after everybody else was gone. The people who worked in the kitchen would put food on those big metal dishes with multiple divided off areas, one per guy, and then put them in the oven to keep them warm for us. Patty worked in the kitchen as part of her school financial aid program, and she was often working when we came in to eat. All the guys got their own platter of food out of the oven and sat down, but when Patty was working she would bring mine out to me. The guys started giving me such a hard time about it that she began to bring everyone’s out. Once she figured out our schedule she would have them all set out on the table waiting for us when we walked in.

It didn’t take me very long to decide that I wanted to marry her.

The third characteristic that I was looking for in a girl that I would marry is that she would be tough. Not tough in an unfeeling, rough kind of way, but tough in a being able to handle trials without complaining kind of way.

Back when we attended college in Portland there was a permanent Theme Park with zillions of rides at what we called Jantzen Beach in the area just before you got on the I-5 bridge to Vancouver, Washington. It was a place that a lot of kids in the college I attended went to for dates. So I asked Patty if she wanted to go to Jantzen Beach and go on a couple of rides with me. I thought it would be a great way to get her to sit real close to me as we were flung around on a whirling ride.

She sounded excited when I asked her, so off we went. There weren’t many people there at the park the night we went, and when we got on what was called the octopus we were the only riders. The Octopus had eight long arms like spokes on a bicycle that went around and around. At the end of the eight long arms were eight smaller arms that had a seat for two at the end of each one and these went round and round as well. So the seats for two were going round and round in two dimensions very fast, and the whole thing would stop suddenly and change directions. Because there was no line of people waiting to ride the Octopus the guy running it just let us keep on riding.

I didn’t know it then but Patty gets motion sickness very easy, and she started getting sicker and sicker and vomited. I started yelling as loud as I could at the guy to stop and let us off, but he just let it keep going round and round, round and round. Finally after what seemed hours he stopped the ride and let us off. We went to a bench and just sat for a long time. Finally as they were shutting the place down for the night I suggested that we head back to school. Patty could barely stand up and she walked with a distinct bent-over posture that made her look like an old, homeless guy that frequented that place. After we got back to the campus parking lot I walked her back to the girl’s dorm and as she went in the door she turned around and said to me with a smile, “Thank you very much for taking me tonight, I had a wonderful time!”

As she walked off into the girls dorm I stood there with my mouth hanging open thinking, now that is one tough girl. Patty was the mother of eight kids, and the wife of a church-planting pastor and I don’t remember of ever hearing her complain or grumble about anything. Yep, she is one tough girl.

In my wife hunting effort as a 19 year old I came up with five characteristics that I wanted in the woman I married. I arrived at them as a result of some advice from my Dad, my observations of what I deemed good marriages and bad in our community and church, and the home I grew up in. I am not exactly sure what it was, but our home life and family culture was incredibly secure and positive and resulted in us kids having healthy self-worth and an attitude of confidence so that we believed we could do just about anything. As a dumb 19 year old I was smart enough to recognize that as much as I loved my Dad, and as much wisdom as I gained from him it was my Mom that created the environment in our family that I valued so much, and I wanted to have a family like ours.

The second characteristic on my list was someone who was incredibly patient, who wouldn’t get her feelings hurt by every bad move her husband would make, didn’t get irritated or angry at people who made her life difficult, and who was always nice no matter what happened in her own life circumstances.

Even at the age of 19 I knew that a girl like that was extremely scarce, but I was determined to find such a rare gem.

After the “Fred haircut prompt,” I got up the nerve to ask Patty out on a date ; much to my surprise, she accepted, and we began to “hang out” together. I asked her if she would like to drive up to my home in Trout Lake, about a two-hour drive, see the cows, Mt Adams, and meet my parents. She agreed and even sounded excited about the trip.

After arriving, doing all the introductions, having a little tour of the area and our farm, and eating lunch together, Patty asked if any of our cows were tame enough to ride; she had always wanted to ride a cow. Dad responded that there was one old cow that would probably put up with someone on her back. We went out to the area where the cows were starting to congregate because it was getting close to milking time. We cornered the one Dad thought would be tame enough, and he held the cow’s head while I helped Patty up on her back. The cow just stood there, and Patty asked if I could get her to walk around a little. To this day, I don’t know what possessed me, but I slapped the cow on the butt, and she started to buck and run. Patty wouldn’t do very well in the rodeo because she only lasted two bucks before she flew up in the air and landed in the manure on her hands and knees, getting covered with the juicy, smelly stuff, and dripping off of her hair.

I very quickly went to help her up, thinking that any future with Patty just ended, but much to my surprise she was laughing. I thought, she must not have seen me slap the cow. She said, “I only wanted a slow walk! but, thank you, I won’t forget that experience!” That was amazing, but even more amazing is that she has been like that for 54 years of marriage to me.

When I went to College I was wife hunting. I wanted to get married, I was going to be a successful dairy farmer, and every successful dairy farmer I knew had a good wife. I didn’t want to just get married, I wanted to marry a good wife, like what is described in Proverbs 31. So when I say I was wife hunting, I was’t looking for an available female close to my age, I was looking for someone special that would be a very good wife, a perfect wife. How does a 19-year-old boy go about hunting a wife? He comes up with a list of character traits like in Proverbs 31, but not quite so long. I had a list of five character traits, that were clear, easy to understand, and hopefully easy to spot. I was determined not to compromise on these character traits even if she was mind-numbing beautiful.

The first one was that she would be someone who was nice to other people, not just to other nice people, people who were easy to be nice to, but to people that it would be hard to be nice to, people that no one else was nice to.

One day I was walking through campus, and I saw Fred wearing a sport coat, a tie, and his hair was cut and combed. Fred was a really smart guy in our class but he was strange. He had a stroke when he was a young kid and it affected him physically in a number of ways, and it really affected his brain. As I said he got good grades but he didn’t know how to relate to people. He regularly said very inappropriate things, he never showered or brushed his teeth, his clothes were always dirty, his hair was long and messy, and he invariably had his shirt buttoned up in the wrong holes. Because of the way he was he didn’t have any friends, most of the kids on campus avoided him. So when I saw him all spruced up looking very sharp I was surprised to say the least. I asked him what was going on and he said “I got a haircut! so I decided to take a shower, shave, and brush my teeth, then I decided to dress up a little, so I bought myself some new clothes.” I said, “all that because of a haircut?” He responded with an emphatic, “yep!” I then asked what prompted the haircut and he said, “Patty asked me if she could give me one and I said sure! I wasn’t going to turn down a free haircut from a pretty girl!” Patty who,” I responded, “Patty Burtner, nicest girl I know.”

My wife hunting beeper started to go off. I wonder how she is on the other four? I think I will find out.

I write regularly about self-control because it is so important in living a righteous and holy life. Most Christians don’t plan on sinning, they just can’t seem to win in the wrestling match with the devil, the world, and their own flesh, and they don’t know how to get strong enough to win that daily war. Self-control is exactly what it sounds like, controlling self, which is doing what you want to do instead of what the devil wants you to do, doing what you know is the right thing instead of what the world pressures you into doing, and doing the hard thing that produces results instead of the easy stuff that your flesh is addicted to.

The apostle Paul often compares living the Christian life with athletics. In 1 Corinthians 9:24 he says that athletes exercise self-control in every area of their life to win a prize that will not last, but Christians exercise self-control in every area of their life to win a prize that will last for all eternity.

The key to growing in self-control is to focus on the finish line, the day we stand before Jesus at the judgment seat of Christ and are held accountable for the life we have lived for Him and are rewarded for what we have done with our life that matters.

Every morning in my prayer of commitment, I pray to the LORD and say, “today, Lord Jesus, I will live my life as of it is the last day I have before I stand before you and give an account of what I have done and am rewarded for my accomplishments for the Lord.

Self-control is all about what motivates you.

I just finished writing my goals for 2022. It is a little early, but I like to have them done by the time I start my leadership classes so that I can use mine as an example on how to write goals. Learning how to write good, motivational goals is one of the major things that those who are in my leadership classes will learn. Leadership I is all about personal growth in character, becoming a person who God will use to do his work. Leadership II is all about bearing much fruit as a disciple of Jesus, and everyone learns what the key principles are for being a highly productive person. Leadership III is learning how to communicate clearly, how to teach others effectively, and preach when the opportunity arises so that the hearers are well taught and motivated to do what you are teaching them to do.

I have 73 goals this year because I will be 73 years old next month and I have written one goal per year old I am since I was 18 years old. Some of the goals I set this year don’t really need to be goals because I have done them long enough that I would do them whether I made them a goal or not, such as my Bible reading goal. I put these in my goal list because of the teaching and modeling I do with them in my leadership class, and I want everyone to have a Bible reading goal so I put mine in. One of my guiding principles when I write my goals is that every year I will learn a new skill that I have never learned before, I will go someplace I have never been before, and I will do something that I have never done before. I also try to have several BHAG’s, “Big Hairy Audacious Goals.” One of my BAGS’s is to pedal my bicycle 4,000 miles to Yorktown, Virginia this summer. That should be a fun goal, an exciting goal, and a very hard one, that is why it is a BHAG.

One of the diseases common to all people is one called “rutitus”, (spell checker had fun with that one!). Rutitus is the tendency that people have to get in a rut, that is, they do what they have always done and they do it the way they have always done it. Rutitus is caused by a combination of a fear of failing, the security and comfort that doing the same old things the same old way brings, and it is just plain easier.

One of the purposes of goal setting is to push ourselves out of the ruts that we are in. It is one of the reasons that is hard to get people to set goals. People like their ruts for the reasons that I have already mentioned.