I start teaching my “Leadership Class” this weekend. I teach classes for men and for woman. In the classes I do some teaching on how to have a perfect marriage. The blogs for the next several days will be part of some lessons I will teach, some old and some new in the class. I wrote yesterday that I was going to continue with “dating in marriage”, but I decided to do that tomorrow. I am going to alternate between husbands and wives responsibilities, weaknesses, problems, and solutions, so as not to give the impression that it is all about the guy.

One of the movies that was popular with our family when it first came out was “Princes Bride”. There were dozens of quotes that got repeated continually “ad nausea”. One of them was;

Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder today. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam … And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva

There are a few perfect marriages, but most have problems. Over the years as a pastor I have done hundreds of hours of marriage counseling, and have found that the problems are few, and repeated in most marriages. Yesterday’s blog was primarily about the problem of little to no communication or poor to bad communication that plagues many marriages which is primarily the husbands problem, and I suggested that dating was a great solution.

Today, I am going to write about the biggest problem that most wives have in marriages.

Proverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house,
but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.

How does a wife destroy her own marriage? by failing to forgive her husband of his sins, mess ups, thoughtlessness, poor choices, selfishness, and character flaws, and forgiving him quickly. Instead she keeps them in her memory bank and every time he repeats the sin, it gets bigger, it builds up, to the point that it destroys the marriage.

A husband and wife have great power to change each other to be more like Christ, but the way that it happens is different, and neither follows human logic.

Proverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house,but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.

Many wives don’t forgive, but remain bitter about an offense committed by her husband, and every time the offense is re-committed the bitterness grows. One of the reasons is that our human way of thinking assumes that if you forgive quickly he will be more apt to repeat it, but if you send a message to him that you were hurt by what he did by getting angry, or irritated, or remaining bitter that he will stop. Doesn’t work, never has, never will.

Proverbs 14:12 There is a way which seems right to a man/woman, but its end is the way of death.

The key principle for a wife to remember is that God needs to be the one who changes her husband, not her. He does that in response to the wife’s behavior, automatic, every time, it is how He works. If you attempt to be the direct change agent in the life of your husband by nagging, anger, bitterness, or retaliation, God will step out of the picture and let you try. If you forgive quickly, not because he deserves it, but because Jesus has forgiven you of everything you have ever done, God will work in your husbands heart, bring conviction into his conscience, prompt him to change, prompt him to ask you how he can improve and listen, possibly bring other men into his life to coach and teach him, and give him the power to change.

This principle works, God honors and works when we choose to forgive.

P.S. I am referring in this blog to the “common” kinds of mistakes and sins that husbands make, not the big ones of physical abuse or others that have a different solution.

When I was in College I was wife hunting. I wanted to get married so I was always looking out for the kind of girl that I would want to spend my life with. Patty worked in the college cafeteria for a job and I noticed her every time I went through the line, and she would plop a big spoon of potatoes on my plate. One time through the line, when she put an extra scoop of potatoes on my plate, I asked her if she would like to go to a concert with me, and she said yes. That was the first of many dates that I asked Patty on, which resulted in many conversations, a growing relationship, and a wedding. I was a poor college student so I became the master of cheap dates. One of our favorite cheap dates was going to the TV room that was in the student Union building on Friday nights and watching “Mission Impossible.” Walks down to the local grade school several blocks from our college and me pushing Patty in a swing or the two of us doing teeter totter together was another weekly favorite. Our dates had several characteristics besides being cheap. The first one was that they majored on conversation more than activity. It was the hours of talking that resulted in our relationship moving from liking each other to loving each other. The second characteristic was that it was just the two of us so that conversation was more than chit chat and information sharing. A third characteristic was that we were both always in courting mode, meaning that we were both trying to impress the other person with our personality, and character. Being in courting mode resulted in good manners, disciplined speech, kind and gracious compliments, occasional gifts, and intelligent, well thought out questions. We were both working hard at making the other person feel special and getting them to like us.

An interesting thing happens to many married couples as a result of jobs, houses that need cleaned and fixed, meals that need to be cooked, lawns that need to be mowed, kids that need to be changed and disciplined, and the hassle of life, the dates stop or are greatly reduced. The thinking is that, “after all we live together, and sleep together, why have dates.

Men often have the attitude that the dating was for the purpose of winning her, conquering her reluctance, and you were successful so move on to work, hobbies, or whatever else there is left to conquer in life.

One of the things that often happens in marriages where dates are no longer part of their relationship is that intimate and meaningful communication stops. Conversation becomes information sharing about schedules, kids, activities, and bills. Husbands and wives whose communication moves to chit chat and talking about schedules become more like business partners than lovers.

The biggest consequence of no to little dating in a marriage is that often courting leaves the relationship. We take each other for granted, get irritated and angry, are not careful in our speech, quit working at making our spouse feel special, praise and affirmation is rare, and instead of spending time thinking creatively of ways to make our partner feel loved we become critical of their behavior and actions toward us.

Tomorrow I will continue this topic and write about how to make it happen and how to make them rewarding.

JBC began as a church with 22 people meeting in a small room in the Conser Hall in Jefferson, Oregon on October 7th, 1973. Patty and I helped start the church and were part of that first meeting while I was attending Western Baptist College, now called Corbin in Salem. I graduated from College in 1975 and became the Pastor on October 3rd, 1976 at the age of 28. I have now been Pastoring JBC for 44 years. The church, it’s ministries, the people in it, and it’s facilities have been the passion of my life these past 44 years. I haven’t yet, but one of these days I will run out of passion. I am thinking I can contribute at least a little bit for the next 10 to 20 years. I am thinking the way things are going that Jesus will be back before then anyway. All churches have their problems, but for the most part JBC is a very healthy church. We are characterized by people who forgive one another, pray for one another, support one another, encourage one another, and who are patient with one another. We are the “I love you church; we love God, each other, our neighbors, and the whole world, because God first loved us.”

I have written down a lot of information about the church over the years; events, growth, struggles, about people, ministries, and I periodically go back and read the things I have written, especially in the month of October. I am always amazed at what God has done and I am often overwhelmed with a great sense of being the most blessed man on the planet earth, it truly has been an amazing journey.

One of the major blessings has been the very strong partnership Patty and I have had from day one as we worked and served together, and also as we included our kids in the ministry of the church.

October is a good month. I was born in October, JBC was born in October, I became the Pastor of JBC in October, hunting season is in October, salmon fishing is hot in October, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Jesus comes back in October.

I tend to be a messy person. Not me personally, I always brush my teeth, comb my hair and take a shower. My desk in my office gets very cluttered and difficult to locate because it is covered with papers and books most of the time. My shop is worse than my office, and outside around our place is lots of stuff that needs picked up and put away. It is one of those things that gets on my “todo” list everyday, but I seldom get to it. I am going fishing on Friday, and I haven’t found the fishing tackle that I need yet, I know it is in my “Man Room” somewhere, I know I remember seeing it, someplace. I get terribly frustrated when I am doing a project and can’t find a tool, when I am going golfing and can’t find my clubs, and when I am going fishing and can’t find my reel. I always vow that I am going to get everything cleaned up, picked up, and organized, but it doesn’t seem to happen.

I am always talking about “Character,” and the importance of growing mature in character. I have identified 26 different character traits that I work on. Which of the 26 does this problem fall under? Orderliness is number eleven, and I have considered myself orderly because of my disciplined use of my time, but I guess I better expand my definition. OK, here is a new definition, “Organizing my tools, work places, and stuff so that I waste little time looking for what I need, and get projects and work done effectively.” Ah, here is another definition that I just thought of, “Having my surroundings neat and organized so that I give the impression to other people around me that I am a competent and self-controlled person so that they have confidence in my leadership and influence in their life.” Here is one more definition, “Having all my tools and stuff organized so that I know what I have, can find it quickly so that I don’t have to keep buying another one when I can’t find it, and save lots of money.”

So, the key to changing and growing is to write the goal and the strategy for accomplishing the goal out in detail, break it down in small parts, pick one of the smaller parts as the starting point and then read it everyday. In order to increase motivation it helps to add a reward to the completion of a goal.

OK, my first goal is to clean up my boats, park them out of the way and put a cover on them. When I get that job done I will reward myself by taking the cover back off of one and taking it fishing!

In 1 Corinthians 9:24 the apostle Paul says that he is exercising self control in every area of his life in order to win the race that he is in and the prize that will last for all eternity. The prize is to be the person who sits at right hand of Jesus on His throne even as Jesus sits at the right side of the Father’s throne. This goal in Paul’s life kept him on fire and full of passion for the Lord. Most believers don’t understand the end of life judgment that we must all go through and the rewards or lack of rewards that we will receive from Him. Because of this lack of understanding most believers are apathetic in living their life as believers for Christ and growing in their walk with Him. It really doesn’t matter if they grow or not or accomplish anything for the Lord of significance. In their thinking they are saved by Grace, no works required, so now that they are headed for heaven nothing else really matters.

2 Corinthians 5:10 For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may be recompensed for his deeds in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad.

1 Corinthians 3:13-15 each man’s work will become evident; for the day will show it because it is to be revealed with fire, and the fire itself will test the quality of each man’s work. If any man’s work which he has built on it remains, he will receive a reward. If any man’s work is burned up, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire.

The rewards that we receive or don’t receive at the “Judgment Seat of Christ” are significant and last for a long, long time.

Today I went Chinook Salmon fishing on the Colombia River with 3 other friends, and we limited out with two fish apiece plus four Jack Salmon, (under 20 inches) twelve salmon in five hours of fishing. We lost another six fish and a sea lion ate two more fish. It was a good day of fishing. As I think about today I realize that I enjoyed the fellowship with my friends as much as I did the actual reeling in of big fish.

We are created by God in His image, and God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit are community in their oneness, and essence. We naturally seek fellowship with other people, we need fellowship to grow in character, we need fellowship to experience and have a healthy soul, and we need fellowship to have joy.

The Bible, the Holy Word of God gives us commands like, “love one another,” “forgive one another,” “accept one another,” “encourage one another,” “comfort one another,” “serve one another,” and “pray for one another.” The Bible is a book inspired by God for us, and most of it teaches us how to have a wonderful relationship with God and with other people, that is what life is about.

Thousands of Doctors and Scientists have recently signed a document stating that the “lockdown” which is supposed to prevent the spread of the COVID thing, which restricts people from gathering together is the wrong thing to do because the damage that is done to people’s mental, emotional, and psychological health is greater than the consequence of the disease, as well as the consequences to the economy and people’s welfare. The devil knows that as he works through politicians and the media. As I read about the various battles taking place it seems obvious to me that the “lockdowns”, “social distancing”, and “masks” are much more about controlling people than saving them.

As people we have the capacity to love others and we also have the capacity to hate them. We can help and save or kill and hurt. We can nurture, teach and coach so people can flourish, be fulfilled, and be free, or we can dominate, squelch, and control them so they are slaves. It is amazing how the evil that is in all of us can raise it’s ugly head and then grow into a monster so that instead of controlling ourselves we want to control others, obsessively so.

When you study the Bible on the topic of the devil, his demons, and their control over the lives of people, you discover that their primary tool is creating fear in us, and then they can control us. The devil is the father of lies and he creates fear by getting us to believe lies. The devil and his demons use people to promote their lies and their agenda called in the Bible, “the doctrines of demons.”

The foundation of all fears is the fear of death. The COVID thing has created a ton of fear, and it has been hyped by the media to move fear to cultural hysteria. We recently had a bunch of wildfires that destroyed thousands of acres of timber and many homes. The culprit once the fires got going was the wind, which caused the fire to spread rapidly and burn with intense heat. When I am burning brush piles I put my leaf blower down so that it blows directly on the small flame and soon the fire is going very strong and hot, and burns the wettest of brush with ease. The media was just like a big wind blowing on the COVID thing until our entire country was consumed with fear. Once fear gets going it spreads and grows and begins to feed on itself as people who are fearful will believe most anything, and do most anything.

Those who are followers of Jesus Christ are admonished in the Bible to fear nothing but God. Our freedom from fear makes us totally free. Hebrews 2:15 says, “He will free those who through fear of death were subject to slavery all their lives.” A favorite of many people is the 23rd Psalm and verse 4 says, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me.”

I am working at being free from all fear by anticipating my death every day, welcoming my death every day, imagining my death every day, and reminding myself that to die is to enter glory with God.