There is always a gap between what I know I should be doing and what I should be in character and what I am actually doing and being in my life. It isn’t just sin that causes this gap, but a lack of accomplishment and retarded growth in me, a sense of bobbing around in the ocean in a boat with the motor off. That gap creates guilt and tension in me, especially as a pastor, a father, and a grandfather who is supposed to provide an example for others to follow. I have discovered that this tension in me can motivate me or it can bury me with a sense of hopelessness, leading to depression over my failures. I have also discovered that I am not the only one who feels this way. This sense of being overwhelmed with this gap in our lives is why many people avoid going to church; they subconsciously choose to avoid anything that would make the gap bigger.

An interesting phenomenon in life is that the more I grow, the better my eyesight becomes into who I really am in character and accomplishment. It is like climbing Mt Adams; the higher I climb, the farther I can see.

I don’t want to remove the tension this gap produces in me by false self-talk that everything is OK, that would blind me and deceive me into who I am, but I think that is what many do to cope with this guilt in themselves. I don’t want to become like those people Jesus is talking about in Revelation 3:17 Because you say, “I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing,” and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked.

I have discovered that the number of goals I have set for myself and the length of my daily “to-do” list contribute to my sense of being overwhelmed with life and my sense of failure. Most of the time, they motivate and drive me, but occasionally, they become a big club over my head. When that happens, I rewrite my goals into a list of only four, mostly easy ones, and reduce my “to-do” list accordingly. It is like priming the pump and restarting my motor.

I also honestly examine my life, confess any sins or failures to the Lord, and ask Him for His strength and joy to fill me as I pursue Him and His will for my life. This time of confession and asking for strength is often repeated over and over until the fire in me is restarted and burning hot.