One of the significant balancing acts in relationships is “influence but don’t control.” Every person has a desire to control others and a strong desire not to be controlled by others. It is a subtle desire that rarely comes into our conscious thinking but is always there, influencing us as we relate to others.

I am reading a book right now on relationships. The book references a study that was done on hundreds of couples who had gotten a divorce. Most divorces happen because of the inability to resolve conflict, and most conflicts are driven by a desire to control.

The New Testament, especially the teaching of Jesus, repeatedly says to be a servant. Being a servant doesn’t mean we do all the nasty jobs; it means we relinquish all control.

Mark 10:42-44 Jesus said to them, “You know that those who are recognized as rulers lord it over them; and their great men exercise authority over them. But it is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant; and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be slave of all.

Jesus says that if we humble ourselves, He will exalt us; if we make ourselves last, He will make us first.

This is a very important area of self-reflection whenever we have any kind of conflict with another person. “Why did this conflict happen?” “What did I do wrong?” What could I have done better at?” A person that Jesus blesses and uses for His purposes and glory is a servant; that is, he seeks to influence but not to control, and he doesn’t mind not winning an argument.