One of the more painful things for me is listening to the recording of one of my sermons that I have preached. When I coach other pastors on their preaching, I always make that the first discipline for them to do to help them improve their preaching quality. Often, when a pastor I have made this recommendation to, listens to one of their own sermons, they will say to me, “That was an eye-opening experience; I didn’t realize how poorly I communicate.” My next suggestion to them is to write out their sermon word for word. When we write, we periodically read what we have written as we write new information. By doing that, our thoughts are connected and make sense. It is a simple way of reviewing what we will say before we say it.

A major problem in relationships is that we communicate poorly. A law of verbal communication is, “I didn’t say what I thought I said; I said what you heard and understood me to say.” Those two are often miles apart. It is too bad that we can’t write out a conversation we will have with someone before we have it and put it on a teleprompter! But that is not possible, but what is possible is to acquire the skill of listening to ourselves as we talk; most people don’t do that; in fact, most people can’t do that because they haven’t learned how.

Whenever I have an experience in a conversation with another person where it is evident by their countenance that I have said something that offended them, they disagreed with or confused them, I immediately try to replay what I said in my mind. I don’t usually purposely say things that will cause the other person to be upset or confused, but I often do because what I thought I said wasn’t what they heard or understood me to say. Sometimes, people will quote me as having said something that I am sure I didn’t say. But the law of communication again is, “I didn’t say what I thought I said; I said what you heard and understood me to say.”

A few other laws of communication;

1. Listen twice as much as you talk, and listen attentively, trying to hear what the other person intended to say.

2. If you get emotional in a conversation, especially angry or hurt, listen four times as much as you talk, working diligently to understand what is intended to be communicated.

3. Ask questions instead of giving your opinion or reacting.

4. Take full responsibility for the outcome of a conversation with anybody.

I violate these laws often and regularly, but I try hard to humbly recognize when I do and learn from my mistakes so I can commit them less frequently in the future.

I have many more of these laws of communication that I review so that I can grow as a teacher, as a listener, and as a friend.