We all get into fights, arguments that get heated and end with no winner, both parties mad at the other one, and both parties blaming the other one thinking confidently that they are wrong. I have done a ton of counseling of people in that no-win situation, usually married couples, sometimes business partners, work associates, neighbors, and even friends. I have been in that situation with Patty a lot in the past, a few times with people in the church and a number of times with other Pastors.

When I am in this knot with another person my predominant thought is how do I fix them, change them, convince them, or intimidate them to my view or opinion so that I can be the winner, after all, I am right and they are wrong. The conversation is almost always an argument. When I am thinking like that there is seldom a comfortable resolution. If there is another conflict with the same person it is usually worse, more intense, and longer lasting.

A second solution that I have often used in a conflict is to simply cope with the person. I think to myself, they are too stupid or stubborn to see that they are wrong so I will just ignore the problem, the difference , and cope. That method ends the argument but it damages the relationship. It is easy for me to feel like a martyr when I take that approach, and after a number of such “sacrifices” I will talk to them and treat them like a person that owes me a million dollars, a bit haughty and condensending.

The method that works if I can pull it off is to assume the other person is right and I am wrong. I don’t have to own the entire problem, because no conflict is ever 100% one person’s fault, but I do need to own enough so that I see the solution as me doing the changing, and also thinking of something that I can do or say to bless the other person. This results in me growing in character and in humility, and I am sure in God’s blessing in my life.

I seldom act right in the first round of a fight. I usually have to write about it, coming to my senses as I do, and writing out my planned on actions and words.

It is amazing that when I focus on changing me instead of my adversary, how God then changes them.